Monday, May 3, 2010


Five. Cinco.Cinq. Fünf.

Five days until the day. And no matter how hard I wish it away, no matter how tightly I shut my eyes and cross my fingers and toes and whisper every single lucky saying and prayer I can conjure up, time keeps on ticking, moving....
passing, fleeting, leaving...

And again, as I am overwhelmed with emotions and memories, I can finally reflect back on what got me to this point.  I know there are big, huge, life-changing aspects that happened here, ones I will always and forever hold so dear to my heart-- aspects that have made me who I am and shown me who it is I want to be. And, conveniently enough, there are five:

1. The Girls: I can never say enough. I've written about my friends a few times, and somehow words can not embody their personalities, who they are, and what they mean to me. They will never know the impact they have made on my life, and sometimes I even consider that I will never know the full impact they have had into helping shape me for who I am right this second. You would kill for my friends. They are those girls. Those beautiful, bubbly girls, always laughing, always loving, always always always together. They will take your breath away and make you jealous all at the same time. College is the place you find friends who know your heart-- friends more like you than anyone ever will be, friends that lift you up and straighten you out when you've gotten down. The memories we've made together have only been made better with the years. And even now as I write this in my bed at the sorority house, I can not image leaving them. Being apart will be a slow dawning, and perhaps one truth that will never fully dawn. My mother always tells me of her friends: "When we get together, Ainsley, it's like we've never even been apart." Well, maybe that's because it hasn't ever, after all these years, fully dawned on them that they are apart. In which case, I hope it doesn't for us either.

2. The Boy: in order to avoid the possible cheesiness of this situation, I'm going to leave my explanation slim. But let's just say this blessing helps lift me up over and over every day, never letting me forget who I am and what I want from life.

3. God's Revealing the Real Me: So many times I let my insecurities or distractions keep me from knowing me. So many times I've told God, "No, I don't like that about myself, I want to change that." And so many times, He's pushed me farther towards the truth, never relenting on letting me discover the true heart of Ainsley. I know it is a cliche' to say that I've come in to my own in college, so I won't. That's not what happened-- I didn't do anything on my own. God in His infinite wisdom and encouraging hand never let up, and that's how I got to know myself. Now I relish in my love for art, style, writing, and design. I'm comfortable looking in the mirror, have accepted my big feet, and don't beat myself over the head when I don't make the A. I no longer question my relationships, but nurture them. And all because He got me to this perfect place of absolute comfortable-ness.

4. Alone-ness: Freshmen year, I couldn't go to Walgreens alone. I needed chatter, conversation, company constantly to save me from my thoughts. Then, I moved to New York City. Alone. It's funny how the stars have a way of aligning themselves and suddenly you find yourself in a situation 100 percent outside of your comfort zone. And somewhere between wandering 5th avenue solo and meeting Mary Catherine, I figured out how to be alone-- how to think, reflect, pray, and find joy in a solo situation. 1,258 miles away from every single person you loved in the world will make you love yourself, value your thoughts a little more. And although MCK and I tag-teamed New York like no one before us, I learned to relish in those moments of taking the subway to Central Park and strolling to the promenade- alone. So when my flight home touched the ground in Memphis, TN, I took from the plane with me a little added responsibility, a little added security, and a new appreciation for 'me time'.

5.Joy as a Priority: In a world of to-do lists, projects, parties, homework, and dates, there is little time for anything but that. In the early years, I would find myself pulling out my hair in the fear of not getting it done. In order to write the paper, I could not go have cocktails. In order to study for the final, I could not go on my daily walk. In order to finish my project, I could not have dinner with my boyfriend. And then, finally, it dawned on me: Why not? Why was I replacing the things I loved to do with the things that made me sleep restlessly, break out, and go into cardiac failure? I began to make joy a priority. And the funny thing is, the rest fell into place. I could get up an hour earlier for the homework, I could work on the project tomorrow, but I could not miss out on these opportunities of quality time and making memories with the loves of my life in this city now. Our time together, wherever we may be, is always too short-- and far  too short to spend the best years of our youth stressing and worrying about things we'll forget in the long run.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we've only got five days.


emily louise said...

amen to your top 5 you hit the nail on the head Ainsley!!
here's to 5 more days!

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