Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Why I Am Now A Quitter

Sitting down to do this was hard.
As in, so super very hard.
This blog feels like an old boyfriend who's conjuring up some weird feelings. Even now, my words are lost as I sit with my fingers on this keyboard. But I guess a good start is the beginning. So here goes.

I quit blogging intentionally.
There, I said it. I quit. I did not "let things get away from me" or "lack inspiration." I'm still lighting it up on my Pinterest and Instagram daily, so there's definitely free time in my schedule for some hobbies. I did not go through a mental breakdown, so I'm still the same me that wrote here daily for years. But something did change.
I began to feel as if my own real life did not live up to the ones others' created in blogworld.
Which is, of course, a bunch of bull. 

It happened pretty quickly, actually, and since I'm the queen of snap decisions, it should come of no surprise that I deliberately made the decision to stop. One conversation triggered an entire train of thoughts that couldn't be stopped for days. And boom—I quit blogging. You see, I began to feel that I wasn't living a truly authentic life because of this here little blog. No, there were no false accounts featured or questionable circumstances. But my quality of life began to change a little. Many a sweet moment was missed because I was busy framing a photo for the blog. Writing wasn't the whimsical creative outlet it had been all my life because I was too busy keeping up with the Joneses creating "chic" content. I was blogging for some sort of desired life and not for the life that I had. I began to question what my goals were, where my focus was, what my vision for my future was. And long story shot, I felt like a big ole fraud.

I know now that I'm not a fraud, I'm just not a blogger. I'm a writer, which is why my best work here has been the intimate, soul-deep topics I just let spill onto the pages—not the Top Ten Shifts for Your Office Christmas Party (in my defense, that was not a real feature). And while I am very jealous of the lucrative career that many a blogger has made of her hobby, I am not that girl. My blog is not my business, it's my hobby. I do not live a perfectly-styled life with white linen couches and sparkling marble counter tops, but I do life a beautiful life in a 1930's two-story home packed tight with five 20 something's and a goldendoodle. My husband does not come home every night with a bouquet of peonies that I promptly place in a crystal vase on the dining room table, but my boyfriend does call every night from Memphis so we can talk through the three hours between us, and I do buy roses for my room every week at Trader Joe's. Unlike real bloggers, my life does not deserve to be pinned on Pinterest. But it deserves every bit of attention and thanksgiving that I have, which is why I quit blogging. To give it, and the people in it, just that.

So I've been in somewhat of a writing rehab the last four and a half months, trying to determine what this outlet actually was. And I guess this is the tenth step—acceptance. (I'm not even sure if acceptance is the 10th step, but it is in my program so go with it.) My life has changed and I like it that way, so this has to change, as well. My blog will not teach you how to style your bedroom using repurposed milk crates or put together the perfect outfit in under $20. But it might show you a new recipe that I actually cooked, or recommend a new yoga class (because that's a new pastime now, too) and, more often than not, daydream about what my life is becoming. Because it is becoming something big and beautiful and totally different than what I once imagined. Which I am so grateful for.

So I'm taking back ownership of this space. Comparison is the thief of joy and my joy ain't for the taking. If you've emailed me these past few months, I'm sorry for not responding. I simply didn't know what to say. And if you've left comments, well, now you know where I've been. I'd like to come back and write here, and I plan to and I will, but it won't be like it was. But that is the point.

This is an authentic space where I'm just daydreaming believing one day at a time without agenda. I do hope I inspire and encourage you a little, because I live an inspired life.
I'm so nervous to publish this. Here goes...

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Staley Mc said...

Thank you so much for this post Ainsley. I have recently quit blogging for the exact same reason, I'm glad to know I'm not alone! Glad to see you blogging again, I always enjoyed your posts!

Anna said...

I really liked this post. So much honesty and bravery, thank you for sharing this. I'm glad you decide to continue writing, and I really think I will enjoy more this new perspective, more authentic, more you. Looking forward to read you!

Masey said...

I love, love, love this!! You are awesome. That is all! Love you!

Whitney Biber said...

so glad you're back and i couldn't agree more. someday we will get coffee and real talk about all of this. until then, can't wait to see you get real on here. (or realer? because you were real all along, i believe.)

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good post

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