Thursday, June 7, 2012

Confessions

Confession. I did not want to write this post.
I actually did many other things before finally pulling up Blogger. Flipped through some magazines. Read a few short memoirs on Paris. Styled a few different outfits for the weekend. Because truth be told—I have picked up this computer multiple times in the past two weeks to begin writing. But I'd look at my last post, almost a month ago, and say, What is there to say now?
Nothing in particular made me stop. Suddenly, after working and writing and photo shoots and visitors in town and weddings to attend (and the list goes on), I looked up and realized I'd been missing in the blog world. (Thank you for all your kind, albeit concerned, emails and comments asking where I am and why I'm not writing.) So when things settled, I found it a teeny bit hard to pick up where I'd left off.
Fact of the matter is that writing, when you don't every day, is hard. But the thing is, I do write every day—it's my job. So why was this so hard? It was hard because it's writing for myself. And I'm very busy these days. And when I'm very busy, I feel guilty doing much for myself. So, in turn, writing on this blog made me feel guilty. There, I said it. I wasn't writing because I thought my time should be spent doing other things, other things that if I were going to write about them, should be perfect.
Ah, Ainsley and the ole struggle for perfection. So I'd have a glass of wine, and think about my blog, and how I wasn't writing, and why I wasn't writing, until last night, when I came thisclose to thinking about actually maybe writing, and instead sat down with my devotional:
"I have planted a longing for perfection in every human heart. This is a good desire, which I alone can fulfill. But most people seek this fulfillment in other people and earthly pleasures or achievements.... Let me fulfill your yearning for perfection."


Ok, speak straight to my heart. And then, feeling elated and assuming it couldn't get any better, I stumbled across sweet dear Mary Catherine's latest post:

"All our lives are not blog-worthyThank God because ya’ll would be so bored with mine. Be You [already enough]. Do You [already enough]."
So there it was. I've been on a quest, searching for contentment for an entire year. Finding it, losing it, cherishing it, abusing it. I've been sometimes going so fast, and sometimes taking time to go slow. My life is a constant change of pace and scenery and work and everything else that could possibly change. It won't always be perfect. It won't always be exciting. It won't always look like a perfectly posed photo. But that's ok. My new lesson in contentment is, thank you Mary Catherine, that when life isn't all those things, life is still good—because I hold steadfast to Him. It's this little lesson, this little dawning realization that whispers to me, Hold steadfast to what you love Ainsley, to the things and people He's given you that are good and make you happy. These are blessings. These are little reminders that He wants us to be happy, and though it's not "blog-worthy," it's life, and life, even when it's not anything else, is good.

I'm going to do myself a favor now and give this here little blog another shot. So do yourself a favor and read Mary Catherine's entire post, "Cultivating," here.
See ya back here tomorrow.
xoxo

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